Day 15:: When it's not O.K.

I have put on a brave face. I have tried to pretend this is normal. I have tried to act like it's O.K. That I have no reason to be upset and the pain I feel is unfounded and misguided.

But one sweep through Facebook. One view of Instagram. One chat with a friend and harsh reality slaps me in the face: I am not living the normal. Nothing about it is natural. And the strength it takes to pretend has finally crushed my soul.

Alone

Sunday evening the kiddos went with their Dad for their second week of fall break. They are right now waking up to their second day of camping in a camp house we visited as a family for the first time four years ago.

I'm sure they are enjoying the breathtaking colored leaves of fall. Their clothes smell of campfire and are sticky with s'more remnants. They have probably ridden horses and hiked the beautiful trails of the state park. They have eaten in the local McDonald's with the trains overhead and walked the quaint sidewalks and shops of the town their Father and I celebrated our first anniversary in and frequented several times throughout the years.

And I have lived alone in a house way too big for one, trying desperately to stay busy so the tears and memories do not flood the eyes or the soul. Memories that once were a spark of hope but now char the heart.

This is the second year they have spent this week camping without me. As I dropped them off Sunday evening I left with a smile and a heart full of hope that this time would be different. That somehow I would not long for what might have been or what should have been or what once was.

But loneliness settles and thoughts creep and the brave face that all is O.K. flees for another year.

Searching...

I desperately seek healing. I search for it like it's something to be found.

But there is no genie in a bottle. There is no magic salve to bind wounds and leave no scars.

'Time heals all wounds' I've been told.

I loathe those words.

Time does nothing but tick and each precious minute they are making memories without me is like an eternity.

There is nothing normal about it. And it's not O.K.

I finally crumbled under the pressure and cried out to my Lord. Hot, bitter tears rolled down my cheeks as I begged for hope and answers.

And He met me in that place.

Isaiah 43:1-3 (NIV)
But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Psalm 91 (NLT)

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.³ For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

photo credit: Horia Varlan via photopin cc 
The road to redemption

I long for redemption. I long for the day when what is not traditional will at least not crush. I yearn for a new story to be written over my heart. New hopes and memories and promises that stand. Where the past pain does not shadow, but where the love, the redemption, the 'all things new' shines brighter and is stronger.

This road to redemption is long. It is paved with pain and tears and heartache. Hardship threatens on all sides. Battle is sometimes inevitable.

But Exodus chapter 14 verses 13 and 14 tells us to not be afraid. To stand firm and we will see deliverance. That we need only be still and He will fight for us.

Today I choose to stop fighting to be strong. I choose to stop excusing what is not natural. I choose to stop pretending all is O.K.

I choose to stand firm in His promises and be still.

For redemption is on it's way.